The following entry isn’t so much “about pedophilia” but more just an update on my life and a chance to vent a little. An attempt at catharsis, for what it’s worth. This is a slightly modified version of a post I left today at Virped. Not everyone who’s read my blog in the past has access to the board at Virped, so I suppose this entry is mostly for them.
So it’s been a while since I’ve been active at Virped or since I’ve even touched this blog. Sorry it’s been so long and sorry I’m so seldom around. Just so everyone knows, I do not forget about Virped or the anti-contact MAP community at large when I’m away. These places are always in my thoughts and I always feel a twinge of guilt when I’ve neglected to visit them for so long. Virped in particular is my home. My fellow anti-contact MAPs are my people. It is the one place on the planet I feel like I really and truly belong.
The problem is, my life has been so busy over the last couple of years that I have trouble finding the time to even slow down and breathe. When I finally do find that time, all I want to do is disconnect and decompress. I do not want to think about things that are important, which Virped and the anti-contact MAP community are. It’s like my life has become this whirlwind blizzard and my involvement with the anti-contact MAP community is one of the things that just winds up getting buried in the snow. Every once in a while I’ll decide to dig it out, and I’ll look at it and remember how important it is to me. I’ll tell myself I’m not going to let it get buried again but, before long, it does.
Anyway, so things with me are going, meh, ok I guess. Financially I’m doing as well as I ever have in my adult life. I still love my little condo in the city that I bought almost two years ago. I have two sources of income that are both considered “essential” and I’ve been working my balls off right through all this madness while everyone else is in quarantine. I’m not getting rich or anything by a long shot, but I’m on top of things. I keep my mortgage and my bills paid and I’m finally out of debt completely. I’m sticking to my fitness routine, staying in shape, staying on top of all my non work-related personal responsibilities, etc. All that. Still, at the end of the day, to be perfectly honest, I’m still not a happy person. Not at all. In fact, a lot of the time I’m barely keeping it together.
No matter what happens, no matter how I manage to improve my life, there’s always this emptiness. This feeling like everything is completely fucking pointless. At the risk of being cliche, I’m like that rat on the wheel that just keeps running and running and running for no fucking apparent reason. Sure, through all that “running” I’ve managed to make a little life for myself that I didn’t think would ever be possible just a few years ago but much of the time I still find myself filled with the same over-all sense of despair. That same sense of feeling spiritually lost and dead on the inside. Especially in the mornings. God, waking up in the fucking morning. Ugh. 🙁 But then, I pour an energy drink down my throat, will myself into my car, and it’s back to running. If I just keep moving, maybe I can keep a little bit ahead of the despair. Maybe I can keep it from catching up with me. But then, it always does anyway.
Maybe I’m just not supposed to be a happy person. Not all of this has to do with being a MAP but a lot of it does, I think. I look at the world around me and I simply do not belong in it. I see all these fucking “normal” people who are married with kids and all that jazz and that world, that “normal” world in which most people exist, is just so completely alien to me. In that, my isolation feels pretty complete. Even an introvert like me can feel too much isolation, I think. Sure I have people I’m out to in real life but they don’t really understand. I dunno. Sometimes I think I could win the Powerball lottery and find myself with everything I’ve ever wanted and, when all was said and done, I’d still be a miserable fuck at the end of the day. Maybe it’s just how I’m wired. (sigh)
Thank god for booze at least. I’d definitely blow my fucking brains out if I didn’t have that to take the edge off.
Other than all that, things are great. LOL! Hope everyone else is doing well, or at least as well as can be expected. Sometimes as well as can be expected is the best we can hope for, isn’t it?